Sex Talk: Earning ‘good wife’ title is no mean feat

A few weeks ago, a video of a church marrieds conference in Kampala went viral with an elderly couple testifying about their 46-year-old marriage.

The clip that went viral featured the wife saying how she daily coordinates her husband’s wardrobe, dresses up in and out of her home to look attractive to her man, does his laundry, polishes his shoes... and as she spoke, her husband reminded her to also talk about how she bathes him.

Oh, how men in this city forwarded that video to all and sundry, highlighting the ‘perfect example of a good wife’. I agree, she deserves a medal. But the question that came to mind for me was: so, what does her man do for her?

Forty-six years in marriage and he probably provides for his home, and... and... and... that is where I am left hanging. We are in desperate need of an organization that focuses on the boy child.

There has been too much drumming into our heads from a tender age, the things that will make our future husbands happy, that it is no wonder some get into the homes and work themselves to the bone and come short of standing on their heads in the bid to keep hubby happily in the marriage.

Pull this, chop off that; eat this, drink that; don’t break wind in his presence; endeavour to share his meals regardless the time he returns home; etc.

From the break of dawn to the wee hours of the morning when many couples make love, there is no rest for the good wife. Because, even when it comes to sex – the one thing that God put in the marriage for the couple’s mutual enjoyment – the good wife is still hard at work.

We have been ssenga-trained to not voice our sexual needs, but ensure that the husband is ever satisfied and his ego always fanned. So, whether he is a champion lover or totally clueless in bed, it is the good wife’s duty to ooh-aah and ‘sing his praises’ during lovemaking, so as to not make him feel inadequate.

And when the pink elephants have come and gone, a good wife is not allowed to fall into a slumber like any well-loved wife should; nope. Ideally, she is supposed to get up, fetch water and the soft towels/ clothes she keeps nearby and sponge her husband off so that he sleeps feeling fresh and clean.

It is a tradition ssengas have passed down to their nieces for generations; even now, when many bedrooms have ensuite showers, no one has edited that script to tell sated wives to lead their husbands to the bathroom and make a sexy ceremony out of that shared shower, if he needs refreshing...

Well, one Ugandan wife even changes sheets at that time of the night without waking bae up – rolling him this way-that way as she pulls the sweaty bedsheets off and tucks a fresh one under chibooboo’s tired, sleepy body.

And before the sun comes up, the good wife fixes breakfast for her man, readies the children for school, does the laundry and instructs the maid on what else needs to be done during the day, then she zooms off to work to supplement the home’s income, before coming home to organize hubby’s wardrobe, cook his meals (because he does not like the maid’s food), do homework with the children, pay Yaka bills and renew TV subscription, before retiring to bed for some lovemaking and its add-ons and ceremonies.

And she will do that on repeat the following day. And the next. All good if that is what makes the machine called marriage run smoothly. But remember to answer me: what do you husbands do for your wives that can even remotely compare to her daily (and lifelong) itinerary?

Now that your wife also contributes to the daily bread and pays bills too...what makes ‘the good husband’ stand out?

We surely need someone to talk to the boy-child to do better for his better half.

carol@observer.ug